HOW do you repair after a conversation when tempers have been lost and inappropriate words spoken harshly?
After a heated disagreement, couples make the common mistake of avoiding the topic completely for the sake of peace.
However, without revisiting the incident, hurt feelings can simmer into resentment, disconnection and erosion of trust.
So what does a successful repair look like?
Relationship researchers set out to find what type of repair was most successful.
They discovered that they could not predict the effectiveness of the repair from the nature of the repair attempt.
Some perfectly constructed and sincere attempts were rejected, while clumsy attempts, nowhere near an apology, were warmly received.
Eventually the research turned its attention on the receiver of the attempt.
What made the difference was in how much goodwill toward their partner was in the receiver’s emotional bank.
In other words, if their partner had (recently) been a good friend- supportive, appreciative, and kind- a bank of deposits were stored up, trusting that the partner had their back.
When facing a withdrawal, like a heated conflict, a stored bank of goodwill ensured any repair attempt would be received.
However, if partners have neglected one another, the emotional bank goes into overdraft. A hurtful incident occurs and there is nothing to draw from the bank. Attempts to repair are viewed with suspicion rather than trust.
To maintain a bank of goodwill, invest in your relationship.
Make it a priority and communicate how much you love and appreciate your partner.
You will be creating an environment where goodwill, trust and forgiveness thrive.
