“I just want my kids to be happy” is often said by well intentioned, loving parents.
However, research has shown that the focus on creating happy kids is implicitly teaching them that any time they are not happy, life is bad.
When we make happiness our parenting goal, we see our kids’ distressing feelings as a problem to fix rather than emotions to tolerate and cope with.
How do we attempt to fix?
Usually with external distractions: taking them out for a treat when they are sad or giving in to more i-pad time when they are bored. But this only teaches that a lack of happiness can be fixed with ‘stuff’.
Our attempts to remedy their distress are typically because of our own discomfort.
When we aren’t able to sit with our kids’ difficult feelings, they learn that these feelings are bad and distress is something to avoid, rather than something they can learn to manage.
Children need to experience a range of emotions in order to build their ‘emotional muscle’.
The more we help our kids learn to cope with distress, eventually the less room those feelings will take up.
A Harvard study found that the focus on a child’s happiness can be detrimental to their development. Inadvertently, the message conveyed is that their feelings are all that matters.
This can breed self-centredness and inhibit the development of empathy.
Rather than valuing the common good, their own well-being is prioritised.
This ultimately makes it difficult for them to sustain relationships which impacts negatively on their mental health.
Experts agree that happiness is not a goal but a byproduct of a fulfilled life.
Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman said that all of us should focus less on happiness and more on the meaning that comes from making an impact in the world.
So before you say “All that matters is being happy”, take a moment to reflect. Perhaps all that matters is making the world a bit happier than you found it.
